Minx on inner strength and poetry

I wrote the below last week, but thought I'd spread enough doom and gloom for the while so didn't post it. Am currently being tossed on the horns of marital dilemma, and dealing with every kind of therapy under the sun.

So it is a therapy-junkie-minx who publishes this poem, but don't worry - I'm actually feeling rather good. Taking my life in both hands, and dealing with long-neglected issues. It's energising, and enlightening. I've started a ball rolling that has been idle too long, and should have been heading for Indy years ago.

But how empowering to know that i had such courage. I am proud of myself, especially my inner Minx.

And now, a Minxy and poetic moment...

Memories bittersweet

Your face as it laughed
The soft wave of your hair
How you pretended to concentrate
In reality, dreaming of heaven

Your kind, beguiling smile
Your soft, warm skin
Our suitability together
How each completed the other

Your breath on my neck
Your hands on my heart
My legs wrapped around you
Our impeccable rhythm

The false prophet within you
The shock of the pain
The earthquake that rocked me
And shook me to my core

The calm of acceptance
The banishment of bitterness
The sweetness of closure
New strength grows within

But, oh... the sweet sound of your voice.

© Copyright Evil Minx 2005
All rights reserved. May not be reproduced without permission (but I'll probably give you permission if you ask me nicely).

Minx restored

Since imitation is the sincerest form of flattery, I must pay tribute to Poo-Saaay and Meestair Bernd who pointed me in the direction of this:





Watch this space. Minxiosity is where it's at, it's the future and it's amusing the hell out of me.

As y'all can see, I have regained my balance and perspective on life, in sharp contrast to yesterday. See, I really am emerging on the other side. It's taken what seems like forever to even be able to see the other side, but you know something. I really can.

And, toot my own horn though I shouldn't, I'm really proud of myself. I appreciate that I still have a long way to go. These things take time, nothing is instantaneous. But I'm healing, I can feel the difference. And it feels great.

The minx is back. And she's evil. And you love it...

Subdued minx

John Lennon was one of my inspirations, and he described how i feel today far better than i ever could, although obviously he didn't have the Evil Minx in mind when he did.

However, I'm going to borrow his words anyway. Forgive me my lack of creativity, i'm on a bit of a downer today...

There are places I remember
All my life, though some have changed
Some forever, not for better
Some have gone
And some remain

All these places had their moments
With lovers and friends I still can recall
Some are dead and some are living
In my life, I loved them all

But of all these friends and lovers
There is no-one compares with you
And these memories lose their meaning
When i think of love as something new

Though I know I'll never lose affection
For people and friends that went before
I know I'll often stop and think about them
In my life I love you more

In my life I love you more

In sorrow and pain, a sad and subdued Minx xx

[Love and support for the Evil Minx can be expressed in the customary fashion, by posting a comment below]

An essential reminder of what you have lost...

We've spoken several times now, and you know how I feel. What's new is that I now know how you feel. Prior to TITW (see posts passim), i knew how you felt. Then it was as if the rug had been pulled out from under me, and everything went topsy turvy.

Then - finally - you get up the guts to talk to me again. And you explain yourself. And, oddly enough, i understand where you're coming from much more than i should. I can't stop myself from talking to you, you're like a drug and i'm the fix-hungry junkie. But I can stop you from ever having me, in body, heart, soul and spirit again.

And this post will serve as a reminder of what you're missing out on...

Remember the way my soft lips touched yours, commanding you to lie back and let them kiss your face, your neck, your nose, your ears. Remember the way you kissed me back, hungrily consuming me, as i surrendered myself to you completely.

Remember the way i made you involuntarily shiver by running my hand across your thigh, even in the most inocuous of settings. My office, under my desk, my fingertips promising the heaven that was to come, my heady perfume wafting across you, the love I felt emanating at you in waves.

Remember the way i looked at you from across a large meeting room, and made you jealous just by turning to the person next to me and murmuring something inconsequential. And then, for the briefest of seconds, when i turned my gaze upon you and looked at you with all of my Evil Minxiosity, picturing us together in your bed. And you, only able to look back helplessly, longing for me, undressing me with your mind, wishing more than anything that i was lying in your arms, making love to you, body and soul.

Remember walking along the beach, the sun glinting off the sea as it set, the glow surrounding us as if we were teenage lovers experiencing the real thing for the first time. Only holding hands but feeling as if we were completely entwined from head to toe. How we sat in the beachfront restaurant, knee touching knee, unable to keep our hands off each other, looking deep into the others' eyes and seeing only the promise of love.

Remember the way that you held me in your arms, releasing me only to kiss me all down my body, and how i quivered with delight and pleasure. How you made love to each breast with such care, kissing and sucking, and biting me gently but firmly on the nipple until i gasped with delight. How you kissed my tummy, nuzzling and nibbling as you proceeded further downwards until you reached my inner core. How you sipped hesitantly, teasing and tantalising me, but as you continued, agonizingly slowly, how you revelled in my state of arousal. How you derived such exquisite pleasure from my smell, my juices and my warm inviting sex.

Remember the way i pleasured you - the light bites around the head of your cock, the gentle licking and nuzzling, how i enclosed your penis in my mouth - drawing it down deep into my throat, and then releasing it to concentrate on the head. Tickling around the rim with my tongue and teeth. Enclosing it in the warmth of my mouth before leaving it exposed in the cold for an agonizing second before i ceased tantalising you and start all over again. Drawing you in deep again, and biting down hard on your shaft until it was your turn to gasp in delight. Repeating my actions over and over, teasing you by taking my time, enjoying your ecstatic agony for all it was worth.

Remember the way we moved together in harmony, our bodies entwined as one, as we moved in a synchronized rhythm, each focused on the others' pleasure, as you drove harder and harder inside of me, as i spiralled up and up into the abyss of pleasure, all the while holding each other tight, as if we never wanted to let go.

Remember it well. Remember me when you look at her. And ask yourself why you haven't the strength to be happy...

EM xx

Maybe it's premature but...

Well, people, Michelle saw my blog.

(Partly because i sent him the URL, and told him to go look, but hey-whatcha gonna do? A message is no good unless it's delivered.)

Anyway, he saw it, and he has responded to me. And I'm not going to tell you how deliriously happy I am at his answers, because, frankly that would be a big, fat stinkin' LIE. But i will say that I believe I'm a lot closer to attaining closure and moving on. And that makes me feel good. Because moving on is what life's all about - things only go wrong when you remain stationary.

Since I'm not a believer in posting things that can turn around and end up biting me in the ass, (which, bearing in mind some of the things I wrote on EGAM, is quite an amusing statement) I'm not going to publish the details of his response here. I will say this, however: I am more at peace now than i have been for a week, since everything went pear-shaped . And, let's face it, if i can breathe and eat and sleep, then i can look after my kids, and work, and function and deal with my crappy marriage and be a human being again. and if i can do all that, then i can say i really have emerged on the other side.

And if i can do that, then I know that i can survive and be happy again, and enjoy life again... and maybe even continue the fantasy stuff. It was fun writing that, i must admit, and i look forward to my next inspiration. So go (come?) forth and inspire me to fantasize people, but for god's sake don't gross me out...

Evil Minx xx

Some must-know pieces of background info on EM

Apparently, I'm the Ideal Lover. Who'da thunk it...?!

Your Seduction Style: Ideal Lover

You seduce people by tapping into their dreams and desires. And because of this sensitivity, you can be the ideal lover for anyone you seek. You are a shapeshifter - bringing romance, adventure, spirituality to relationships. It all depends on who your with, and what their vision of a perfect relationship is.

What Is Your Seduction Style?

I have to say, i think this result for me is a big old pile of pigeon poo, although it amused me at the time.

I am not a shape shifter at all. I have a very definite idea of what i want out of a relationship. I want (in no particular order other than when my addled brain remembers) love, affection, companionship, cuddles, warmth, passion, excitement, adventurousness, sensuality, not-necessarily-stereotype romance, things in common, caring, support, communication, laughs, fun... not asking for much am I?

It changes as I change, not as the partner changes. That's partly why i'm having marital issues... *deep and heavy sigh*

Open letter to Michelle (G)

I tried, folks, i really tried. I didn't want my anger and bitterness to show up on this blog. But I still have so many questions. And this blog is all about helping me emerge, not entirely unscathed, but stronger and happier, on the other side of the hell in which i currently find myself.

I absolutely cannot email *him* again. My pride won't let me. Plus, if i continue to contact him after the instructions in his cold "Dear John" mail - which was so cold it could have chilled the Sahara by the way - his wife might make trouble for me at work (we work for the same company, in different geographical locations).

So this is an open letter to you "Michelle", and if you're out there, i hope you have the guts to respond:

You said you'd phone me today, to explain. i think that's the very least you could have done. You owe me a huge apology.

I'm fine about you going back to your wife and trying to rebuild your marriage. It's the right thing for you to have done. i was foolish not to see it as a possibility. It's the way you executed that decision that makes me so angry and hurts so badly.

What did I ever do to you to deserve this treatment? I accept that she must have been angry too, but do not forget that it was you who initially strayed from her, it was you who propositioned me, and you who kissed me. Yes, i responded, and yes, i more than contributed to its continuation, but i did so in the spirit of us both having marriages that were lacking. You lied about that - to me and to yourself, i think. You'd better not have told her that i seduced you or some such nonsense. That's just not true.

You've hurt me, betrayed me, humiliated me, lied to me and you broke my heart. It feels like you ripped open my chest and stomped all over my heart in hobnailed boots. None of that was necessary. You could have ended things like a human being. I might still have been heartbroken, but at least i wouldn't have been left feeling quite so terrible.

I've expunged everything about you from my life - I deleted everything I had from you on my computer. I tore up your love letter and the photos. The emails (from all accounts) have all been trashed. I threw away the gift. I can't bear to see anything that reminds me of you. It just rubs more salt into the gaping wound that now exists where once I had a heart.

You might have been infatuated, as opposed to being in love - and readers of EGAM would agree with me when I say I seriously doubt that - but I did believe you truly cared about me, as a friend if nothing else. Where did that go? When did i become the person who deserved the status of persona non grata?

How can you live with yourself? How can you even look yourself in the mirror? I asked you this when we spoke last week? You said you couldn't. And not even an apology, or something to soften the blow.

I let you into my heart because you begged and pleaded with me to do so. And then you tore yourself out of it leaving a throbbing, bleeding hole. You have hurt me more than anyone else has ever hurt me. It will be a very long time before i let anyone in again. I hope you can comprehend what you did to me, and how wounded i feel. Especially after everything we shared.
I should never want to hear a word from you again - as i indicated in my email. The truth is that I only want to hear you apologise, and then maybe I can finally get the closure that i so desperately seek.

Yours in deep pain

EM

EM's Guide to Survival of the Disastrous End of the Affair

I'm still a bit fragile from everything that's gone on over the last few days - which have, in fact, felt like years, so as far as I'm concerned my postage *for real* on this site is just warming up. And it will take time... right now i can't really get my head around any fantasies, you'll forgive me, i know...

However, as each day goes by, the hurt fades, the hate subsides, the love seems less real and I feel more human. These things are due in no small part to the following things. Sit back, relax and enjoy the.....:

Evil Minx's Guide to Survival of the Disastrous End of the Affair (aka TITW)

1. Friends

Friends whom a person can trust are the most precious commodities a woman can ask for. I would say girlfriends, but that would exclude Funnyman, who is one of my bestest friends in the world.

• Funnyman nodded, hummed, giggled, gasped (I shocked him! How amusing...) and finally commiserated with me the whole way through The Incident That Was (TITW). [The irony of the first 3 letters being what they are is not lost on me. At all. Not with my chest scaffolding.] Funnyman, God bless him, is a tonic and a sweetheart and is probably the only man - apart from Current Husband - who has ever told me I'm beautiful and actually meant it.
  [And i purposely do not include *him* in that collection. *He* told me how beautiful I was, as I lay naked beside him, hair tousled, mascara smudged, glowing in the way a woman only can after being made love to. *He* said it to me as we walked along the beach, hand-in-hand, looking out over the setting sun, with the wind in our hair. *He* said it over and over until I almost believed him - and then *he* did what *he* did to me. So obviously, *he* couldn't have meant it.]
  
  ::Sorry about that. Small 3.30 a.m. relapse and well-up. Am better now::
  
• Also essential to my emergence is Ochemma, who has not only emailed with me, back and forth, all day today, dealing with my myriad neuroses, but who generally encouraged me and my creative writing development through TITW, and helped me pick up the pieces at the end of it. A mentor if ever I had one, and one of the best writers and/or poets I've seen in blogland to date.
• My wonderful pal Glinda the good witch who i cannot thank enough, who has been my rock all the way through TITW and the nightmare that is my marriage, so non-judgmental and supportive, and such an amazing friend. And when I say "Walk this way..", she does!
• Hot Chick and Groove Mamma - where would i be without you? If i didn't have Hot Chick to be completely amazing, i don't know what I'd do. And if i didn't have Groove Mamma to totally sympathize and understand every garbled word that comes out of my mouth, ditto.
• Last - and certainly not least - Dr Feelgood, who's coming over from London to hug me this week, and who totally understood everything I was going through. having been somewhere similar (although not quite as awesome a betrayal).

And this isn't even mentioning the friendly commenters who have welcomed me. You're all really great. I tell you people, as far as friends go I am truly blessed.

2. Listening to the right kind of music

After any breakup, the tendency to glue yourself to a CD player is one that can barely be avoided. Music will always soothe the soul, and temper a mood, but when your heart is broken to the extent that you're permanently nauseous, the worst thing you can do is listen to sad, slow love songs. THE WORST. So this morning, on the way into work it was Dire Straits Greatest Hits (i skipped Romeo and Juliet) and on the way home it was Squeeze - 45s. I mean, how sad can you feel listening to Cool for Cats?

[Incidentally, this is something of a research project for me. I would be very interested to hear any other recommendations of non-soppy music that can raise you out of the blues.]

3. Nailbiting

OK, this one might not be for all of you, but it works for me. I raise my hands high and admit that, yes, even at the age of 36, I still bite my nails. I can now stop for far longer periods of time than i used to be able to do, and most of the time they look good. But right now, they're all receding, 'cause I'm chomping away. The satisfaction that ensues from reducing a perfect nail, down to a bitten stub does not last long, but the momentary elation helps ease suffering a bit. Also I've perfected the art of biting nails but not down to the quick - hey, I've had 36 years to do this - so they grow again pretty fast.

4. Diary

I started a diary. Not just enough to keep this blog on the go (and the other one that doesn't deal with my personal life on such a level), I also write a diary that i keep on my hard disk. This is - after my friends - possibly the thing that has most helped my sanity restore itself to something vaguely resembling its former glory. It's like mental filing - once I've written down a thought, it ceased to spin inside my mind like some demented toy. I bless whatever powers are out there that granted me the ability to write and the love of doing so, since over the last month or so it has literally been my salvation.

[I also discovered a new ability - fantasy writing. I don't know whether I'll be able to continue it without someone to focus on - and I'm not going back to focus on *him* again - hey, my self-respect is re-emerging too! Cool! I will try though, and that's a promise. Just not quite yet...]

5. Self-convincing

Talking to yourself - and often sternly - is essential. Not out loud, preferably not in the cereal aisle of the supermarket, but a constant self-reassurance that you don't need him, you're so much better off without a scum-sucking, lying, deceitful, treacherous son of a bitch bastard arsehole fuckhead like him. I gave myself a severe talking-to in the shower at the gym, in the car (after having bawled my eyes out for 15 minutes) and I'll keep doing it whenever necessary. Like now, for example. It's 3.00 a.m., I'm all alone, Current Husband just left for a business trip and I'm sad and alone. The writing is helping, but then I'm going outside for a smoke (health freaks, hold your fire, i know how bad it is for me, right now i couldn't give a shit) and you can bet I'll be counseling myself on the folly of dwelling on what seemed to be but wasn't.

That's it for now. Further survival tips as the survival itself continues.

EM xxx

Emerging on the other side

I'm battered, bruised, betrayed and bedraggled.

But dammit, I'm not beaten.

The Evil Minx lives to blog some more.

Right now, I don't have much to say other than I am emerging on to the other side of hell, from a Force 9 gale wind of a treacherous break-up, previously documented on Evil Grins and More. With the support of good friends and fellow bloggers, and using my own strength, independence and intelligence, I will make it on to the other side, and be a lot happier.

Keep watching this space. There is a lot more to the Evil Minx than blind love. The practice i gained at writing erotic literature has inspired creative yearnings in me, and I feel the need to exercise these yearnings here. Give me a short while, and we'll be up and running.

Until next time...